British History according to Tories
by Elias Blum
1066 – Glorious Norman rulers (still in charge, still own all the land, fuck off peasant);
1215 – Magna Charta (look, we are ‘free’. NB: applies only to barons, clergy, rich merchants – fuck off peasant, I’ve told you once already)
1588 – Spanish Armada (evil garlic-munching pope-worshipping foreigners defeated, Elizabethans were splendid).
1641-1688 – Civil Wars / Revolution (we tried big ideas, democracy and all that, and it just ends up in a blood-bath. So know your place, don’t get ideas above your station, and above all Don’t Try To Change Things – They Are This Way For A Reason, Even If You Are Too Stupid To Understand It).
1707 Conquest of Scotlandshire.. (…er, I mean Union, yes, that’s right. Not at all a stitch up job by the scottish aristocracy. Wave that Union Jack, jock, and think of the Glorious Empire).
1790-1814 Glorious war. (Lots of people died gloriously in glorious fight against evil frog-munching foreigners whose ideas were too clever by half. Britain is great and glorious. Hurrah. Remember, peasant, that if anyone comes up to you preaching ‘liberty, equality, fraternity’, they just want to cut the head off Kate Middleton. And you wouldn’t want that now, would you. Isn’t she lovely in that hat? There’s a good, docile peasant! Have a biscuit.)
1914-18 Glorious war. (Lots of people died gloriously in glorious fight against evil sausage-munching foreigners.)
1939-45 (See above, this time with sillier moustaches and more genuine evil).
1945 – 1979 The dark ages. (Evil Socialists took control of once-mighty Britain, created the NHS, improved quality of life for vast majority of the people, and broke wind in the palaces of the mighty. Thankfully, our good friends in the IMF came to the rescue, leading to the greatest moment in the long march of British History.)
1979 RISE TO POWER OF SUPREME, GLORIOUS AND ETERNAL LEADER, BARONESS THATCHER THE ALL-WISE, THE ALL-KNOWING. (Made valiant war on forces of darkness, but country was already infiltrated by Europe, immigration, gays, lefties, environmentalists, commies, trade unionists, scottish nationalists, and other scum. Lock ’em up. It’s the only language they understand.)
2013. Immortal leader dies. (Nation in mourning. Glorious legacy to be continued through alliance of the City, Westminster, Oxbridge, Church of England, BBC, and various shady right-wing think tanks. Soon we will return to the glorious days of the past, the days of the slum, the sweatshop, the pawnshop and the workhouse, the outdoor toilet and the open sewer, the upstairs downstairs world of gross inequality. And then all will be right with the world. So keep waving the flags and taking the bullets, little peasants, and be glad of the scraps we throw you.)