2000 Public Sector Jobs to be Lost in Scotland

by Elias Blum

Civil Servant: ‘I’m afraid we are going to have to cut staff, Minister’.

Minister: ‘Well, that never looks good, but needs must. We have to finance those inheritance tax cuts for millionaires and our lovely new nuclear missiles somehow.’

Civil Servant: ‘Indeed so, Minister.’

Minister: ‘How many job losses are we talking about, anyway?’

Civil Servant: ‘About 2,000, Minister.’

Minister: ‘Where? Not in a Tory seat, I hope?’

Civil Servant: ‘It is in Cumbernauld, Minster.’

Minister: ‘Cumberbund?! Damn silly name for a town if ever I heard one.’

Civil Servant: ‘I assure you that by Scottish standards, the name barely reaches the lower rungs of silliness.’

Minister: ‘Scotand, eh? SNP territory, I suppose.’

Civil Servant: ‘Yes, Minister.’

Minister: ‘Good. Well. Serves them right. Bunch of loony traitors with nothing better to do than go around demanding indepenentce this and secession that. A good dose of DWP will sort them out.’

Civil Servant: ‘There is just one small problem, Minister.’

Minister, ‘Oh yes, and what is that?’

Civil Servant: ‘The SNP are doing remarkably well in the polls, Minister, and every time we antagonise people, their poll ratings increase.’

Minister: ‘Don’t worry about that. We’ve rigged the Scotland Bill so that Scotland will go bankrupt, and the SNP will get the blame.’

Civil Servant: ‘Do you think that is wise, Minister? After all, you can fool people once, but not necessarily twice. What if it backfires?.’

Minister: ‘Tanks? Worked in 1919.’

Civil Servant: ‘Tell me, Minister, have you ever actually been to Scotland.’

Minister: ‘No.’

Civil Servant: ‘Well, I should keep it that way if I were you. If those bloody jocks get their hands on you, you’ll end up as filling for one of their loathesome meat pies.’