Twelve good reasons to vote No to independence.

by Elias Blum

I’ve mentioned many good reasons for voting Yes in the independence referendum, focusing mainly on the democratic and constitutional arguments, but, for the sake of balance, I feel it is also necessary to reflect on the reasons for voting No.

(1) David Cameron’s vision of a Tory Britain where the rich get richer and the rest of us get sent back to the slum, the sweatshop and the workhouse is GOOD FOR YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL OAF! (This vision is available in Blue, Yellow and Red versions).

(2) The British Empire is still great. The sun never sets. Rule Britannia! Spitfires over White Cliffs! Blitz Spirit! Dunkirk! There’ll always be an England. (Some say that these backward looking fantasies are the deluded ravings of a post-imperial country, clinging desperately to the illusions of past glory because the reality is too painful to face. Such people are probably pinko-leftie humous-eaters with beards and sandals. When UKIP wins, they will all be rounded up and shot.)

(3) Being able to Nuke the World and Bomb Arabs is more important than, say, good quality schools or an NHS that works.

(4) There are lots of cowardly Labour MPs with no backbone or principle, but a very strong desire to keep on sucking at the teat of the Westminster gravy-train. Independence would upset their retirement plans. Boo-hoo.

(5) The Norwegians, Luxembourgers, Netherlanders, and other inhabitants of smallish, well-governed, prosperous European countries don’t really exist – they are just an invention of Cybernats. Don’t be deceived.

(6) It’s splendid to have an 18th century deeply monarchical system of government that still gives political voice to aristocrats and bishops. Who needs a modern democratic constitution, or protected rights, or a fair electoral system? What do you think this is, bloody Sweden or something?

(7) Alex Salmond is a reptilian alien from Mars. Or Robert Mugabe in disguise. Something like that. I saw it on Paxman.

(8) All the scare stories told by the BBC and the lazy print media are absolutely true – including the silly ones dreamed up by rightwing think-tanks and old recycled ones that get repeatedly debunked by Wings Over Scotland.

(9) Its perfectly acceptable for a resource rich country to have such high levels of child poverty (because, well, they’re a bunch of neds anyway and they are used to it).

(10) Scotland couldn’t govern itself. Scots are uniquely stupid and incapable. Without the protection of Westminster rule, mediated through the Scottish Unionist Establishment, we’d be in an even worse state. The only people who are fit to rule are Old Etonians (with greasy semi-literate Labour Councillors as their trusty sergeants).

(11) We are too poor. We’d die without their generous subsidies. That’s why they are so keen to keep us in the Glorious Union – it’s all out of the kindness of their hearts, and has nothing at all to do with the fact that Scotland is a net contributor to the UK treasury. Did I say fact? I meant, of course, Cybernat lie.

(12) We’re DOOOMED, DOOMED I SAY, DOOOOOOOMED!!!